UPDATE : All Saudis Drive New Car's

In a posting in August, I commented on the fact that there are very few prestige cars on the streets of Saudi Arabia. Even the rich Arabs drive around in American SUV's which have a tendancy to break down or roll over every 5,000km.

I had wrongly assumed this was because they didn't want to get their nice cars scratched or dented in view of the appaling standard of driving out here.

However, I have been informed that up until the mid 1990's, the roads were indeed awash with Rollers and Bentlys........ so where have they all gone?

Well apparantly the mid 1990's was a period of troubled tension in the Kingdom. The hardliners were very unhappy at the countries involvement in the first Gulf war on the side of the American's when the Saudi's allowed American soldiers and planes to operate from Saudi Arabia.

I think they were also pissed off at the Americans suggestions that their Patriot Missiles had succesfully defended Riyadh from Saddam's Scud missiles. This is of course, utter bollocks.

I am reliably informed by ex-pats who were living in Riyadh at the time that at least 2 Scud missiles a day landed a day on the city killing several thousands of civilians. The Patriot missiles failed to intercept a single Scud!!! Even worse, one Patriot missile having managed to entirely miss a Scud , proceeded to exploded when it flew into a Mosque killing over 80 people.

In addition, I think a lot of Saudi businessmen had made a lot of money trading with the American Army during the conflict, as a result of which, even more Rolls Royce cars appeared on the streets.

The Hardliners and Imans forced the king to declare that the rich Saudis should not flout their wealth and apparantly overnight all the Rollers, Merc's and Bentleys dissapeared....

I cant imagine that having been used to driving in luxury that the rich Saudi's are now happy at having to drive around in their Hummers and Yukons.

Eid Mubarak!!

Eid Mubarak! or Blessed happy festival in Ehglish
At last, Ramadam is over. The Muslim Clerics have looked through their telescopes at the moon and have decided that as of today, the period of fasting is over….. Thank Allah!!

At last I can have a stiff drink in Bahrain or go out to a restaurant to eat. I can look forward to my Muslim work colleagues arriving for work on time, bright eyed and bushy tailed, instead of looking like the cast from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video.

At work, instead of expiring from dehydration in the desert, I can have a drink of water to keep me alive!!! Plus I dont have to sneak into the toilets for a crafty sandwich break!

For those that are that way inclined, the dodgy “massage parlours” can once again ply their sordid trade. Bahrain airport is full of Chinese and Thai “hair dressers” returning from a well deserved month’s holiday. I guess the causeway from Saudi Arabia will be getting a lot busier as a result!!!!!

What really has surprised me is that all my Muslim work colleagues have managed to pile on several pounds in weight…..at a time of fasting!!!!!

It turns out that they eat so much at the Ifter Parties (Parties that take place once the sun goes down during Ramadam) that they attend every night, that many are now on strict diets. Indeed now Ramadam is over, today’s local paper is full of adverts for diet programmes and keep fit classes.

We now enter the Eid al-Fitr festival. Basically everyone gets a week off work to recover from Ramadam, and people go to even more parties. All my muslim colleagues and freinds are sending each other Eid Mubarak card.

Im not entirely sure that the Muslim world aprreciattes the US postal office's attempt to celebrate Eid

Anyway, to celebrate Eid, I’m just off the Irish bar for 4 pint’s of the black stuff and to have my…er…hair cut by a pert Chinese lady I know ….ahem.

Only Joking…honest!

Teresa Tight-arse

Sales hit the clothing stores this week. Unlike the UK and other western countries, the sales here in Saudi Arabia are still real sales with real bargains to be had. When the signs say 50% off they mean it, not 50% off the inflated price they used for a week before the sale.

I recently learned from an Australian over here what it is to be "Terry".

This is a euphemism for "Terry Tight-arse". A "Tight-arse" is of course someone you need to sedate before you can part them from their hard earned cash......someone like my dad...or my boss.

As I'm careful with my money and I shop around to make sure I am getting the best deal, as far as I am concerned being a "Terry Tight-arse" (as a man) or "Teresa Tight-arse" (as a lady) is something to aspire to, not something to be ashamed of.

The shopping system in Saudi Arabia is unique. If you are so inclined you could wear your new clothes for a week with the label concealed and still take them back for a refund (I haven't done this yet, honest). This system provides exceptional opportunities to be a “Terry.”

I'd therefore like to extend my congratulations to the “Teresa” I saw in Debenhams at Dhahran Mall last night.

She had bought a lot of clothes from the store without knowing the sale was starting the next day. I was standing behind her in the queue as she returned the clothes and got her refund....

......and then immediately grabbed the clothes back from the cashier and bought them back at the sale price.

Perhaps there are times when it’s nice to be hidden behind a full abaya?

Queen Teresa, I salute you!

Insha’allah

"It will be ready for you tomorrow, Insha’allah." How many times have I heard this phrase since I arrived in Saudi Arabia??!!

Insha’allah. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that this means “God Willing”. It actually means “If I Can Be Arsed”.

Think about it. Why would God be willing to do anything for an infidel atheist like me? If it was really “God Willing” then nothing would ever get done for me in Saudi. Hmm… on second thoughts….

More Leering and the Curse of the Angry Ninja

Over the weekend I went to a supermarket late one night to do some shopping.

As I walked down one aisle I passed what I assume was a mother and daughter out together. The mother was in full ninja attire whilst the daughter was more “Lawrence of Arabia” as she’d covered her hair and pulled a scarf about her lower face.

As I passed them the daughter stared at me. Wondering if she’d look away, I stared back. She didn’t and because her face was covered I have no idea what her expression was and what the stare was meant to indicate. It could have been flirtatious, it could have been disgust. I don’t know.

Later I was deciding what to get from the deli counter when a movement caught my eye and I looked over to find the same girl re-covering her face after trying some food. She immediately nudged her mother and said something whilst pointing at me.

Her mum fixed me with some sort of ninja death stare. I was transfixed. I felt like I was an innocent man being accused of something terrible (leering, I assume?!)

I felt like staring back at her would prove me a leering scoundrel, whilst looking away would prove I had a guilty conscience.

In retrospect winking at her was probably not the most sensible reaction. To be fair I was at a total loss about what to do. I knew she couldn’t talk to me, hence her reliance on the death stare. I didn’t feel like I could talk to her either. So a stupid misunderstanding became this surreal silent staring contest that no one could win.

I don’t know why the girl insisted on creating the situation but it upset me because I was obviously being accused of some cardinal sin and I had no way to resolve it.

Had we been in a Saudi Mall, I’m sure the mother would have involved the Muttawa and asked them to beat me up a bit with their sticks.

Perhaps the lesson to learn is not to stare in case people think you are leering, but staring and leering seem to be the national pastime and don’t think its just restricted to the men.

I am not a handsome man. Ladies do not stop me in the street to comment on how I “look like Brad Pitt, only cuter.” But the women here leer at me. I am not joking, I’ve seen them, staring out from behind their veils.

Last week at the cinema a girl who had not covered her face gave me such a “come hither” look I was completely taken aback. She was probably only 14 or 15 years old.

I am not saying that the women here are promiscuous. I wouldn’t know either way, but I seriously seriously doubt it. But perhaps all this covering up makes them suffer in exactly the same way as the men.

The men here are the champions of leering. Who can blame them? They have so few outlets.

I went to a garden centre with my secretary this week to buy some plants for the office. My secretary wore her abaya as usual, but she didn’t wear long pants. I caught two men leering at her ankles. Her ankles!

Not being able to casually glance at the opposite sex makes you behave in the oddest ways.

Riyadh's Best Named Drink?

Before I left Riyadh in July, one of my fellow compound inmates took me to a great Indian restaurant called Bliss House.

The food was fantastic and cheap, about SR 20 each (that’s less than £3).

I was however somewhat surprised to find that they served a drink called a Hitler!

Amazed to find a restaurant that thought calling a drink after a 1940's dictator was a winning sales tactic, I enquired further with the waiter. Did the drink come with a little swastika flag? was a fake mustache attached to the glass? Why call it a Hitler?

The waiter was at a loss to explain the drinks unusual name, indeed I dont think he knew who Hitler was.

It turned out the drink was just a combination of fruit juices and coconut milk and was served in a massive glass. Being Saudi Arabia, it was of course not served with any alcohol content.

I was informed by my collegue that the drink was originally concocted by a westerner who found that it went very well when mixed with home made Sidiqui spirit. He went onto explain that the restaurant had obtained some notoriety with westerners who would often try and smuggle in some illegal sidiqui into the resteraunt to mix with their Hitler!

I guess the risk of being caught with alcohol by the police and thrown into jail for 3 months gave a sense of exitement to this otherwise ordinary culinary expidition.

Aparently alerted by drunken patrons leaving the restaurant, the Saudi Police have raided the building several times, but had never found any booze.

I couldn't handle a large one, so I ordered myself a "Little Hitler".

Only in the Middle East!!

As this photo demonstrates, unfortuanatly some extremists in the Middle East are still big fans of Mr " One Testicle!!"