Cartoons - "Offense Level" raised

The campaign against Danish Cartoons continues unabated. Its now what, 2 years since the Danish press published the cartoons, however I am proud to announce that today, the "Arab News" had no less than three articles about this issue!

However, the most important news is that the Muslim "Offense Level" has been raised.

Just to remind you what the various levels mean:

LOW

Meaning - We are slightly miffed, although we are not sure why. We think we are not as popular as we would like to be.

Non-Muslim response - Tread very carefully and do not offend us

Consequence of non-compliance - We will get very cross and stamp our feet



GUARDED

Meaning - We are quite offended, because people are generally picking on us.

Non-Muslim response - Stop making jokes about us

Consequence of non-compliance - We will rant on about "Islamophobia" and "Orientalism", although we don't understand what those words really mean



ELEVATED

Meaning - We are definitely cross, because people keep blaming us for 9/11, Parisian cars getting torched, Saudi women getting stoned

Non-Muslim response - Pretend that these things have nothing to do with Islam or Muslims, tell everyone how we brought algebra to 9th Century Spain

Consequence of non-compliance - We will cause even more mayhem. Did you leave your car out in the street?



HIGH

Meaning - We are extremely offended by a particular individual or country

Non-Muslim response - That individual or country must apologize

Consequence of non-compliance - Individual; Fatwa, assassination, or both. Country; Boycott (unless you export things the Saudi Royal Family are consumers of), and Saudi newspapers write a long string of boring and repetitive articles that you will never read but will drive Saudi readers to distraction.



SEVERE

Meaning - We have had enough of your rudeness and ridicule and have gone completely ballistic

Non-Muslim response - We demand that the Pope and President Bush go down on their knees and apologize personally for every rude thing that everyone has ever said about us over the last 1400 years, and promise that it won't happen again

Consequence of non-compliance - We will cease the export of oil, therefore depriving the numerous Saudi Royal Family of all income, we will cease the import of all cars, tanks, airplanes (military and civil), computers, building technology, infrastructure and general professional expertise, and we will stop visiting Western fleshpots like the South of France, the USA, London..... Honest. We will. We really mean it this time. Just you wait. We really will. You better believe it. We're not kidding. We're telling you. Honest. Don't make us do it.....

Anyway, perhaps parlty due to this very posting we are now on....

....so watch out!!!!

Saudi Driving Masterclass No. 7

As many of you must know by now, I have left Riyadh and from now on I will be living once again in Manama city, Bahrain. I will still be working in Saudi Arabia, which means that I will daily have to cross the Causeway and queue for endless hours at Immigration Island….however, I am over the moon to be back in Bahrain for many reasons. No more illegal booze that sends you blind, No more Brown Coats (that’s the Compound Entertainment staff) pointing their AK-47’s in my directions as I try and get to my own flat and best of all……no more ludicrously crazy Riyadh driving.

Compared to Riyadh the driving in Al Khobar and Bahrain is practically civilised.

On my last night in Riyadh I was caught up in horrible traffic jams on the Eastern bypass. When I eventually arrived at my flat, I switched on the local radio news station to find out the cause of the traffic jams was a high speed RTA involving several fatalities.

That night it was a couple of Porsche 911’s but it could have been a Ferrari, a Lamborghini or a supercharged American racer.

A group of young men had gathered on an empty road on the fringes of the desert to watch the latest craze in the oil-rich Middle East — illegal road racing.

Two cars swing into position on the impromptu starting grid. From vantage points nearby, lookouts keep watch for police vehicles. Two more cars move into position behind the racers to act as a rolling roadblock and hamper any pursuit. A glance, a nod and the drivers floor the accelerators and disappear into the night in a cloud of acrid smoke from burning tyres, reaching speeds of up to 180mph. For the drivers, this is a chance to show off their prowess but it often leads to injury or death as it did on this occasion.

Throughout the Middle East a heady mix of high incomes, illegal alcohol, youthful boredom and a plentiful supply of highly tuned, high-performance cars have made the white-knuckle races a cult.

I know I keep banging on about the awful driving in Riyadh, and now I’ve left I will just make final mention of three experiences of driving in Riyadh.

I was driving along the Riyadh Ring Road one afternoon when I saw an elderly Chevvy about 200 meters ahead. It was being driven OK, but I couldn't see any driver. When I got closer I still couldn't see a driver.

I overtook, to see that it was being driven by a schoolboy coming home from school. WTF??????

He can't have been older than 12, and he was peering over the top of the wheel. With him were three school chums, equally small. The whole thing was completely surreal. They were all sitting so demurely and quietly, that if I'd shut my eyes, I could have imagined them as Miss Daisy driving her friends to the Sewing Guild at the Baptist Church.

Was he old enough to drive? Was he bollocks! but Daddy had obviously given him the use of a car.

Similar place, similar time. I spot a 4x4 ahead. It is weaving around a bit, but more or less staying within its lane. But something in the back seems to be writhing around. It's like one of those sci-fi movies where an octopus-like alien has taken control.

As I get closer, the writhing resolves into the sight of at least five Pre-school age children who are having a great game, jumping backwards and forwards over the back of a passenger seat. I get closer, and observe the abaya'd and veiled mother looking ahead, oblivious.

What does father think of all this? As I go past I see that he's driving with his left arm, the same one that is holding his one-year-old son on his lap, leaving his right arm free for his mobile, into which he is talking with great animation!!

This is not a rare event. I would often see young unrestrained children clambering around inside a vehicle on the highways. The parents just let them get on with it. They either don’t care or are so stupid they cannot envisage what would happen to their children in the event of an accident.

In early August I was waiting at a set of traffic lights, at the back of one of four lanes of traffic. I spotted movement in the rear-view mirror and realise it is some sort of a road-rage incident. A passenger car and one of those 12-seater bus-taxis are coming up from behind, weaving from side to side across the road as if to ram or avoid the other. Oh Shit!

It seemed inevitable that in about six seconds I was going to be rear-ended while I sat here, meaning the rest of my day and possibly night would be spent in the Police Station sorting out the insurance paperwork, unless I am fortunate enough to get a whiplash injury and end up in the hospital instead!

I brace myself for the inevitable. At the last moment, the car speeds into the empty "right-turn-only" lane with tyres emitting smoke and squeals.

The bus-taxi was still coming approaching at speed from behind, but managed to stop by turning sideways on and removing all the rubber from his tyres. He is literally one meter from my rear window. As I breathed with relief I observed several assorted Filipino and Egyptian passengers, now shouting angrily at the driver.

I always said that Taxi drivers are the best drivers in the world…..hmmm….. This guy decided to have a ding dong with another vehicle and put his paying passengers at risk!

Finally, and this is not a single experience, it's a guaranteed weekly one. Wednesday or Thursday evening (the Western equivalent of Friday or Saturday night) on the Northern Ring Road of Riyadh, heading east.

At the far east end of the road is a collection of car rest-stops frequented by youngsters who like to race their cars and get drunk in the desert.

So driving home from work the boy-racers are all on the same road as me, anxious to get there. So which lane do I drive in to avoid the boy-racers?

Not the inside lane, it is too dangerous because they pull out from the slip roads without checking for other traffic in the lane they are joining.

Definitely not the outside lane. It’s too dangerous because they still overtake you there, using the emergency outside lane that is not quite wide enough for a car, so you are caught by their slipstream and the gravel they throw up. They are nose-to-tail in the emergency lane, of course.

So the middle lane is the best compromise. Unfortunately, Now I provide a good spatial reference for the boy-racers who are alternating between inside and outside lanes in their bid to get past each other. It makes me feel like one of those orange-and-white cones in some mad slalom as they scissor around me from either side. I actually spend more time looking in the mirror than forwards, because it is from behind that Death will come.

Occasionally, I notice a police car ahead. He is doing absolutely nothing about these one-a-second violations. Why? Well many of the cars involved are Mercedes, and the cops' logic goes like this.

"The Princes drive Mercedes"

"That car was a Mercedes"

"That car was driven by a Prince"

I promise that this will defiantly be my last Saudi Driving Masterclass posting as each time I publish another near death experience, it tends to make my family and friends back home home nervous.

Finally, a friend of mine compared driving in Riyadh the first time to the Charge of the Light Brigade (by Alfred Tennyson) into the Valley of Death…….

Half a league, half a league,

Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.

"Forward, the Light Brigade!

"Charge for the guns!" he said:

Into the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.

"Forward, the Light Brigade!"

Was there a man dismay'd?

Not tho' the soldier knew

Someone had blunder'd:

Their's not to make reply,

Their's not to reason why,

Their's but to do and die:

Into the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of Hell

Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,

Flash'd as they turn'd in air,

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army, while

All the world wonder'd:

Plunged in the battery-smoke

Right thro' the line they broke;

Cossack and RussianReel'd from the sabre stroke

Shatter'd and sunder'd.

Then they rode back, but not

Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

Volley'd and thunder'd;

Storm'd at with shot and shell,

While horse and hero fell,

They that had fought so well

Came thro' the jaws of Death

Back from the mouth of Hell,

All that was left of them,

Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

All the world wondered.

Honor the charge they made,

Honor the Light Brigade,

Noble six hundred

The Congestion Charge of the Light Brigade!!! ha ha :-)

Myths About KSA No. 5 - All Saudis are Rich and Drive New Cars.

As ever the media has a lot to answer for.

The only Saudi images I ever saw in the West were of rich people and palatial settings. All I was told is that vast amounts of oil money flood into the country, there is no tax here and women are oppressed.
It reminds me of how amused I was when I saw England portrayed in the USA as an idyllic green land of historic buildings, quaint people playing cricket and cucumber sandwiches at high tea. (Good work, tourism board!)

Obviously rich Saudis and historic English buildings exist (hell, even the cucumber sandwiches exist) but they’re not an accurate representation of the whole. So you’ll have to forgive the Westerner who assumes from afar that all Saudis are wealthy. It’s stupid of course, but assumptions often are when they’re based on bad information.

There is plenty of hardship here in Riyadh. I frequently see people begging by the side of the road. Our cultures may have their differences but from what I’ve seen I’d estimate that the Saudis give money to beggars about as frequently as the English. Still, nothing wrong with being a tightarse, eh?

Its also important to remeber that the vast majority of the people living in this coutry are not Saudis. The poor workers from Bangladesh and the Phillopines have to work 12 hour days 6 days a week to earn just US$ 60 a month.

I cannot remember if I read this on an informational Web site or in the Lonely Planet: “Second-hand cars are expensive in Saudi Arabia because Saudis like to buy a new car at least once every two years.” I am not sure I even understand the logic.

Anyway, having had so many near crashes with hunks of rust swerving across the road at a high velocity (old Toyota Cressida, anyone?) I can safely dismiss this as a myth.

In fact, even though cars are very cheap here, you don’t see many prestige cars. I estimate that over 90% of the cars are Japaneese or American (specifically Toyota and GM). I see the occasional BMW but never any Merc's, Porshes, Bentlys, Rollers etc. I suppose this is becasue people are reluctant to spend money on a nice car that gets scratched and dented moments after being driven out of the showroom.

Myths about KSA No. 4 - Justin they want to kill you!!

Bloody hell. I hope this one’s a myth.

Certainly what most concerned my parents, friends and family when they heard we were moving to Saudi Arabia was the thought of me as a victim of terrorists. All because I was born in a land that someone drew a line around on a map and called England.

Do not doubt it for a second, 2003 to 2005 was a dangerous time to be a Westerner in Saudi Arabia. I’ve listened to some horrific firsthand accounts of the bombings of Al Hamra compound and the people murdered there (both Saudis and Westerners), the attacks in Dammam (on the same compound as our office in fact where 4 terrorists came onto the compound and cut the throats of any white boys they came across and shot dead American women) and other gruesome murders of Westerners in Riyadh and Jeddah. The events led to an exodus of Western ex-pats who have slowly but surely returned in the last couple of years.

If you ever want to get a feel for what its like living in Saudi Arabia, watch the movie “The Kingdom” Just ignore the usual American bullshit about how wonderful they are and concentrate on how the film portrays Saudi Arabia and expat compound life…It is very close to the real thing. The scene where the American compound is attacked is in fact based on 2 actual attacks that took place in Saudi and the film portrays the attacks very accurately according to people I’ve spoken to who were there.

However, that was the past. At present Saudi feels safe. The government are doing a lot to eradicate extremism in the country and only last month they arrested over 500 suspected extremists. Things have improved so much, that in Jeddah, the security checkpoints and walls have started to come down…..hopefully Riyadh and Dammam will follow suit.

The big problem is that the present safe situation could change in a heartbeat. If America decides to drop a bomb or two over Iran, then things could deteriorate quickly.

I won’t deny that the risk of being attacked here is something I often think about. But as I’ve realised, thanks to the British government’s involvement in the “War on Terror” (has anyone else noticed that “Terror” seems to be winning?!) and the desire of terrorists to murder the innocent, the real myth is that I am more at risk living in Riyadh than living in London.

Does this mean that I’m not looking forward to moving back to Bahrain next month….does it bollocks! Manama city here I come!!!

"Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war."- Maria Montessori

"I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it."- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Cultural sensitivity and Man on man action!

The Middle Eastern chaps at work are forever putting their arms around each other and distributing shoulder massages, hugs, kisses and handshakes. When they come into work they often greet each other like long lost friends.

Liberal numbers of kisses are deployed on large numbers of cheeks, often accompanied by subtle slurping noises.Despite having lived here for almost four months, this behaviour continues to amuse and surprise me.

I cannot help my innate Englishness. In the West you're lucky if you get a mumbled "Good Morning" when you arrive at work. I am not used to all this male physical affection. In Riyadh I am Justin, the untouchable.

This week one of the guys was departing for a holiday. He was going to be away for a month. I anticipated some frenzied man on man action before he left. I was not to be disappointed.

I watched cautiously as he gradually kissed and hugged his way through the entire team.He was getting nearer and nearer to me.I grinned nervously.

I looked him over. He's a big man. If he gave me a bear hug I could be lost for weeks. He might board the plane for his holiday without realising I was still stuck under his arm, my muffled screams drowned out by the hum of the engines. I hoped he was going somewhere nice.

I mentally prepared myself.

He walked towards me… this was it. Stiff upper lip, old chap.…he thrust out his hand to shake mine.

?

No hug. No kisses for me. Not even the briefest of shoulder massages. Just a handshake.

He wasn't touching me, but his cultural sensitivity was.

To me it's still odd that holding your wife's hand in public is frowned upon out here, but being touchy feely with your male colleagues is business as usual.

I wonder what my colleagues think of me. Justin the emotional retard? Hell, maybe they're right. Perhaps, just once in the future, I'll copy their behaviour in a Western work setting somewhere. Can you imagine the responses from the Western men as I slowly kiss my way through them all? Justin the untouchable, indeed!

Saudi Driving Masterclass No. 6

One thing I hate about driving here in Riyadh is the tailgaters!

On one of my first drives home from work I was doing 120 km/h down the freeway and this imbecile pulled up to a few inches behind me and started flashing his lights so I’d get out of the way. I didn’t. I drove for at least 3km until he finally turned off.

The whole thing was ridiculously dangerous and whilst I know I should have pulled over I didn’t want to send him the wrong signal. Why should his idiotic driving be rewarded? What he really needed was a good slapping….which is exactly what he would have got in London if he tried pulled a stunt like that….. the taxi driver would have been queuing up to bash him about a bit.

However…. last night driving home on the highway there was this car that pulled in front of me on the fast lane……….you know where this is going.

I pulled up behind him thinking he’d get the hint. We drove for about 1km like this and he still didn’t pull over. Despite the fact it represented everything I hated I decided I’d flash him.

As I leaned forward for the light stick …..it felt dirty and wrong.

As I pulled the stick towards me I hated myself for it.

I pulled the stick………. and……..my windscreen was suddenly covered with water.

I retreated in shame!

My unfamiliarity with my new car saved me from becoming one of those flashing tailgating twits, but I am sure it’s only a matter of time if I stay here much longer…..