Lost inTranslation No. 2

I’ve come across some more humorous translation errors which put a smile on my face

Picture 1

Instead of a “Salon” it’s a “Saloon”

It makes me want to put on a cowboy hat, swagger in and growl "dying ain't much of a living, boy..."


Picture 2

As you can see, the mosquitoes in Saudi Arabia are rather on the large side.

What do you need to kill the mossies? Why, a bit of Arse of course.

Saudi Driving/Flying Masterclass No. 4

I know I keep banging on about how all Saudis drive like absolute lunatics, and I dont want this Blog to become a site for slagging off the locals because of their complete lack of a sense of self preservation. Afterall, a lot of Saudis are my friends and collegues now.

A lot of accidents out here are due to a combination of driving too fast whilst using a mobile telephone. The Mobile telephone is the ultimate Saudi accessory. Out here, everyone has a mobile phone permanantly plastered to their ear.

In the Cinema, you can hardly hear the film because of all the people using their mobile phones.

To illustrate the problem, I must repeat a story told to me by a freind I have made out here called Grant. Grants an Austrailian pilot who is training fighter pilots in the Saudi Airforce. He told me about an incident that occured whilst flying in a Training jet (a 2 seater Hawk) last year.

Grant was in the back of the cockpit whilst the trainee was approaching the airstrip to land when the jet suddenly veered off course and appeared to be out of control. Fearing a mechancial problem, Grant immediatly took control and safely landed the plane.

It transpired that the trainee pilot had decided to take a call on his mobile whilst making his final approach. He had pushed the phone up the side of his flight helmet to try and speak to whoever was calling and somehow managed to snag his hand on his helmet and couldnt free himself.

I am told that ALL Saudi trainee pilots pass their training...their instructers are not allowed to fail them.

I often wonder if this particular guy is still flying or whether he ditched his jet into the sea whilst ordering takeaway pizza.

Boydell Almost Gets Shot! No. 1

Due to an unfortunate comedy of errors, yours truly had a close encounter of the brown underpants kind at King Fahad Industrial Port in Al Jubail earlier this week.

I had travelled up to Al Jubail to look at a petro-chemical vessel which had been damaged whilst being unloaded from a cargo ship (what an exciting job I have eh??)

I had been warned that gaining access to the Port was particularly difficult. My local “Fixer”, Hameed had been trying to obtain a pass for me for several days with no success. The cargo company I was visiting in Al Jubail equally had been banging their heads against the brick wall that is Saudi Arabian red tape. (Welcome to the Magic Kingdom!)

In the end the cargo company agreed that they would pick me up outside the Port and try and smuggle me inside in one of their company vehicles. “Just park up on the Port entrance road and wait for us to come and get you. We will get you inside……Inshsa Allah!!”

All was going relatively well. I had successfully driven the 100 km to Al Jubail without getting lost and finding myself in the deep desert. I even found my way to the Port entrance road without any problems. I pulled up and parked my car along the side of the road about 200 yards awat from the Port Customs checkpoint and called the client to come and get me.

All seemed to have gone very smoothly I was thinking to myself.

After about 10 minutes parked along the side of the road, I noticed 2 customs officers at the checkpoint taking an interest in me. I say customs officers, but these were not the sort of customs officers you come across in the UK. These were more of the “ In full soldier uniform carrying MP5 machine guns” kind.

Another 10 minutes passed. The 2 customs officers started walking towards me. “ Oh bollocks!” I thought to myself as they appeared to check that there machine guns were fully loaded.

I did what I thought best. I wound down my window and smiled in a friendly way and said “Sallam Alay Kom” in greeting.

This didn’t have the effect I was expecting. The customs officer nearest to me started shouting at me in Arabic and pointed his gun at me! “Oh Shit!”

My hands go up and I try to explain in English why I am there. Unfortunately they didn’t speak English and they got more infuriated. They both start shouting at me and the second guy clears the chamber of his gun and also points it in the general direction of my head.

“Oh shit, shit, shit!!” I think. While the first guy was shouting at me, I pick up the word “Iquama” which means visa, so I pass him my passport. He takes it from me and he disappears while his friend keeps shouting and pointing his gun at me. I keep trying to explain who I am, but of course neither of us understands each other.

After 5 minutes the first guy comes back, he’s obviously angry because I have a valid Visa and therefore he has no reason to put me in a cell. He checks the car and my briefcase thoroughly.

“Away!” he angrily shouts to me in broken English. I start up the car to turn around and leave Al Jubail when I realise he still has my passport!

“My Iquama?” I ask. “Go, go!” he shouts louder. “No, I need my passport, my Iquama”. He shouts something to his friend and produces my passport which he throws through the window at me.

I drive away relieved that I have avoided either being shot or soiling my underpants. Having two machine guns trained on you by angry Arabs was not the most pleasant experience I have had since coming to KSA.

About an hour later I did eventually get sneaked into the Port past the same customs officers.

I’m still not sure what made them so angry. After all, I was parked up on a public road alongside other cars and I don’t think I look like your average terrorist.

I wouldn’t mind, but there is nothing worth protecting in the Port anyway.

I live to have guns menacingly pointed at me another day……YEAH!!!

Saudi Driving Masterclass No. 3

An honourable mention for the two harebrains I passed on Monday who were reversing back up the motorway to King Fahad Airport in Al Khobar.

The first one was humourous enough as it was on a long straight stretch of road. I have no idea where he was going because there wasn't an exit in sight for miles.

The second one was even more impressive. He was reversing back up a steep hill in the slow lane (not the hard shoulder!!!) around a blind bend on the motorway because he missed his turnoff. Genius!

Myths About KSA No. 2 - There Is No Crime In Saudi Arabia

Some myths about Saudi Arabia are so stupid they don’t need stating, but it is a common belief in the West that because of the harshness of the law, there is no crime in KSA.

"No one steals, because if they do they get their hands cut off, innit?!"

Well this is simply not true. I know of people out here who have been the victims of car theft. During the course of my job out here, I have also come across several incidents of commercial theft, involving the breaking in to safes and cash registers.

It seems that car thefts are carried out by bored Saudi kids who have nothing better to do than drive a stolen car out to the desert and trash it (sound familier??) As every Saudi car beeps at you when you go over 120 km/h the car theives tend to rip the dashboard out to stop the noise.

I have heard many stories from ex-pats that have lived in KSA for many years of westerners being forced at gunpoint by the police to watch someone have their hand cut off in "Chop Chop square".

Thankfully this is not something I have had to witness. I've been told that the frequency of such punishments has declined dramatically in recent years and at the same time the frequency of crimes committed has increased.

The bottom line is that there is crime here, but on the whole the level of crime feels far far lower than the level in the UK. In Saudi Arabia I do generally feel protected from crime.

Saudi Driving Masterclass No. 2

I'm now used to driving in Saudi Arabia. I don't mind making the occasional improvised fifth driving lane, I beep my horn so much there's a faded patch on my steering wheel and I accept that the agreed stopping distance at 120 km/h is about two metres in Saudi Arabia.

I’m even used to the fact that they can’t even design roads in Saudi Arabia. In the UK, if you are driving on a motorway and come to a junction/exit, first the traffic already on the motorway turns off on to a slip road. About 400 yards later, traffic coming onto the motorway joins via another slip road. Simple…or so you would think. Not here in the “Magic Kingdom” oh no! Here, at a junction the traffic joins the highway via a slip road and 100 yards later is the slip road off the highway. Imagine, if you will, trying to leave a highway over here. As you are trying to get over into the inside lane to take the exit, you are fighting for space with the cars joining the motorway!!

But there is one thing I just can’t get used to. Whilst they aren't peculiar to Saudi Arabia, they have the worst ones I've ever seen. I'm talking about "Weavers." You know, the guys that insist on swerving from lane to lane, putting everyone's lives at risk for no apparent gain.

When I go home each night along what I call The Dammam Highway (why do you guys have two or three different names for every main road?!), I normally get into the middle lane and stay there. Driving on the inside lane is suicidal, because cars joining the highway don’t bother to look whose already on the road. Also people in a real hurry like to speed down the hard shoulder which can really surprise you especially as there is barely enough room.

That's exactly what I was doing the other day when I spotted a ridiculous weaver swerving from lane to lane, cutting everyone off and missing the other cars by mere inches.

This weaver, who was driving a huge 4x4, was just ahead of me when I joined the road. A few junctions later he was still just ahead of me. And by the time he headed for his exit?

Predictably, he was just behind me.

Harebrained Idiot.

Burning Up!!

I know I’m stating the obvious here, and that we Brits’ have a tendency to complain about the weather, no matter........ but Christ its hot!

When I flew into Bahrain a month ago I remember the captain saying it was 34’C. I thought to myself “well that’s not too bad” and then I realised it was only 6.10am in the morning.

As the weeks have passed I’ve noticed that it is getting noticeably hotter and a couple of days ago the temperature topped 48’C.

To give you some idea what this is like, Imagine England during the hottest day of the summer when it’s around 35’C

Imagine that everyone has left their ovens on and that you are wearing a thick woollen jumper your Granny knitted you for Christmas.

Imagine you are outside under the red hot sun…….sitting in the middle of a forest fire!!!

This is how hot I felt 2 days ago as I waited 90 minutes to get through immigration on the causeway back to Bahrain. I thought my eyeballs were melting! My steering wheel was so hot I now have 3rd degree burns to my hands!

The airconditioning in my car just couldn't cope and was waving a white flag as I slowly sweated away half my body weight.

This isn’t even the height of summer yet!

Queue-Jumping Ninjas

The Ninjas I’m referring to are not the Japanese Shogun Assassins that you may have initially thought. No, Instead I’m referring to some of the local women dressed up in their full regalia, especially those who visit the malls and supermarkets in Bahrain.

Don’t think that just because local women can’t drive or walk the streets without a chaperone that they are weak willed. They are not. In fact I’ve found a lot of them seem to think they are more important than anyone else and they can be very forceful in this belief. Their ignorance and rudeness can be extremely annoying.

Perhaps queues in supermarkets are just for wimps or infidels only. Perhaps I’m just too English and therefore have an innate sense of fair play and a tendency to form an orderly queue.

However, last night in a local clothes shop, a large and rather cumbersome Ninja decided that rather than queue with everyone else that she would start a new queue at the entrance to the tills. She just barged passed those of us patiently waiting and went to the next free cashier

For once, the cashier sent the Lardo-Ninja packing and she was very, very upset! He obviously wasn’t aware that they are more important than the rest of us! It was one of the most entertaining spectacles I’ve witnessed in this country so far. Go on love; waddle off to the back of the queue whilst we laugh at you!

A Bahrain guy in the queue in front of me who had also been queue-jumped by the Ninja also saw the funny side. He actually insisted that I go in front of him to the next available till. I can only assume he was trying to apologise for the behaviour of his fellow country-woman. I thanked him profusely and took time to wonder at the extreme manners, both good and bad, of some of the locals.

Unfortunately in true "Shogun Assassin" style the Ninjas will be back, but for now cashier guy, I salute you