At last! After a whole 2 weeks, the home brew is ready for consumption.

Boydell’s Brain Bash is fruity, cheeky summer tipple with a slightly bitter caramel after taste reminiscent of PG Tips! I am reliably informed by the biggest alcoholic on he compound that even cut it has an ABV of 6%!!

A lot of people in the UK pooh-pooh Saudi Arabian homebrew wines and beer. This is a pity as many fine Ex-pat homebrews appeal not only to the Saudi palate but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.

Scaby Camel 2007 has been compared favourably to a Welsh claret, whilst the Saudi Ex-pat Wino Society thoroughly recommends a 2008 Jeddah Vintage Dark Porter, which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule: eight pints of this and you're really finished! At the opening of the Jeddah Brithish Embassy Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour!

Ranco IPA too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and its lingering after burn.

Black Stump Bordeaux is rightly praised as a peppermint flavoured Burgundy, whilst a good Sahara Syrup can rank with any of the world's best sugary wines.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is Al Jouf Pink. This is a bottle with a message in, and the message is 'beware'. This is not a wine for drinking, this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.

Another good fighting beer is Osama’s Old-and-Yellow, which is particularly heavy and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

Quite the reverse is true of Château Chunder, which is an appellation contrôlée, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation; a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Real emetic fans should also go for a Mustafah Muddy, and a prize winning Cuivre Reserve Château Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

hic!!!.............

Back in the KSA

As I’m sure most of you know, I have just returned to the KSA after my first trip back to the UK.

I have to say, being back in the UK seemed very strange at first. I already feel a bit of an outsider. Still it was wonderful to take in the lush green landscape (had plenty of rain have you???) and meet up with family and friends.

On my flight back to Riyadh I was seated behind two Saudi gentlemen whose behaviour astonished me. It's an example of one of the cultural differences between me and some of the Saudi men that I'm still struggling to get used to. I'm tentatively calling it the "Prince Complex".

When they arrived they rammed their hand luggage into the overhead locker, carelessly throwing around the bags that were already there. Why care about those next to you?

As soon as they sat down they immediately reclined their seats all the way back. Or at least they tried to. The seat in front of me was mysteriously broken and wouldn't recline (I have strong knees.) Why care about those behind you?

Their ghutras came off and were draped carelessly over the seat in front of them. Why care about those in front of you?

Every few minutes they called for the flight attendants because this wasn't right and that wasn't right. I could see the attendant's eyes roll every time they walked away. No one else is as important as me.

When they tried to purchase some duty free goods and the attendant explained that the airline didn't accept Riyals (Saudi currency) they believed that complaining about it constantly would suddenly change the airline's policy. Don't you know who I am?

Their behaviour cast a cloud over me and the mixed feelings I had regarding my return to Riyadh. I was looking forward to being back on the compound, looking forward to serene Thursday morning shopping, dreading driving on the roads, wondering when I'd next have a nice glass of wine, and finally of course dreading immigration and customs.

I don't really know why I dread them so much. They've never once treated me badly. In fact my experiences with American and French customs and immigration have been far, far worse than my experiences in KSA. Oh and did I mention Eygpt? It’s the only place in the world where the immigration official has asked me for a bribe!!!!

By the time I reached immigration in Riyadh I had been travelling for about 17 hrs in total. I was wondering what they'd do with the DVDs I had with me. They were all mainstream movies and TV series and I assumed they contained nothing that would offend. Of course, having not watched them and knowing a little about what can be deemed offensive here I couldn't be absolutely sure.

After the traditional jockeying, elbowing and wrestling at the luggage carousel I picked up my bags and joined the queue for the X-Ray machines. My mouth went dry.

I was so tired and we just wanted to go to bed. The last thing I wanted was to have to sit with the customs guys whilst they watched all of my DVDs. I made a mental note to pack some popcorn on my next trip back to Riyadh, just in case.

I hoisted my suitcase onto the belt and watched nervously as it made its tiny but crucial journey.

Customs: You! Open that suitcase!

Ahh bollocks!

My mouth went even drier. My tongue seemed to be sticking to the roof of my mouth. I started mentally counting how many DVDs I had brought with me.

Customs: Show me the bottle!

Me: *mouth stuck shut* Gnunf?

Customs: The bottle! The bottle! Show me the bottle!

Me: Umm?..

I calmly searched for the bottle of Oman Honey I’d picked up at Bahrain airport as its the only bottle Ive packed.

Me: It's just cooking honey
Customs: *hears* It's just blah blah blah.

I showed him the bottle.

Customs: *reads* blah blah blah.

Me: *pointing at the "Honey" label* H-o-n-e-y……

Customs: *hears* B-l-a-h……

Customs: “Ok”

He wasn't in the least bit interested in my DVDs. They were on top inside the suitcase but the only thing that concerned him was the slightly beer-shaped bottle of honey. I was very surprised and now assume that they aren't concerned with single guy’s taste in movies. Perhaps next time ill try and smuggle some porn in…..maybe not!

Despite the fact that customs was very busy he was actually polite and he even cracked some jokes.

Mr Saudi Customs Man, whose name I do not know, I salute you.It's good to be back in the KSA.

Bloody hell! It's a bit hot, isn't it?!

Magic Kingdom Example No. 1

Having been in Riyadh for some time now, I have has to visit King Khaleed Riyadh international airport on several occasions.

Generally, The airports here in Saudi are, like airports all over the world; soulless, cold and uninviting. However, Riyadh Airport is different. This airport has a soul.

Aesthetically, it is wonderful. Columns reach up to the ornate vaulted roof reminiscent of an English church roof. The columns are designed to look like the trunks of palm trees and the vaulted roof which stretches majestically overhead evokes of palm tree branches. In addition the roof is constructed in a layered way at different levels and so it allows warming sunlight to penetrate inside. This make the airport feel light and airy.

Internally, expensive natural stone and marble adorns every surface so that the interior feels plush, warm and inviting.

In the middle of the departure lounge is an atrium than reaches 30 metres into the sky. The focal point is an inside fountain which spews water 20 metres high. Surrounding the fountain are waterfalls and smaller water features. The combined effect is that no matter where you are, you can hear the calming sound of trickling water.

Even more impressive is the veritable orchard of trees planted around the atrium. Indeed the entire airport is planted with trees, shrubs, plants and flowers throughout which can almost fool you into thinking you are in the middle of a country park.

In short therefore, Riyadh airport is designed to be a wonderful, welcoming and inspiring structure. A thing of beauty.........and yet.......and yet....it is the most impractical, inefficient and hellish airport it has ever been my misfortune to use!!!!!!!

Beautiful? Yes. Well designed? Absolutely not!!

The problem is one of space and, more importantly, the complete lack of well used space. I can only assume that the architect had never designed an airport before and had a complete lack of understanding about how airport actually functions. The design almost seems to deliberately put obstacles in the way of the passengers. After all, isn't the hallmark of a good airport the way it is designed to efficiently and quickly funnel passengers to their correct gate and to board their plane?

Problems at Riyadh begin as soon as you arrive....because half the time, you cant actually get through the front doors due to the congestion inside. The check in desks are a thing of extraordinary confusion and bad design. As you can see form the sketch above. The check in desks are arranged in a pyramid shape, right in front of the airport entrance. So everyone is queuing for the check in desks right in front of the entrance.

It gets worse. To get to the check in desk, you and your luggage have to go through an X-ray machine, metal detector and security check. As you can imagine this leads to very long queues at the check in desks.

Once you've actually checked in you then have to go back the way you came and into the main entrance hall. This mean you have to go back through the same X-ray scanners and metal detectors whilst people are trying to come through from the other side to get to the check in desks!!

Once in the main entrance hall you have to fight through the queues of people trying to get to check in in order to go to to passport control and the departure gates. Of course at passport control there are only 3 desks and so the queues for passport control are fighting for space with the queues for the check in desks.

In short it is the most ludicrous design of a modern airport that I have ever seen.

I can only think that the Fountain, waterfall and trees are designed to lower the blood pressure of the poor sods whose blood is shooting from their ears by the time they actually reach the departure lounge!!!

This is a typical example of how things dont work in the Magic Kingdom.

Masterbrew Recipe

In case you ever decide you want to brew your own beer Saudi style, here is the recipe:-

Ingredients

75 cans of “Nearly Beer” i.e. Holston non alcoholic beer
2.5 kg sugar
4 teabags
A dustbin
5 Boots cold water sterilising tablets
1 Teaspoon of Bakers Yeast
A length of plastic tube
30 empty 1 litre water bottles
Another 75 Cans of “Nearly Beer” i.e. Holston non alcoholic beer

Method

1.First sterilise an old dustbin, the plastic tube and the empty water bottles
2.Pour into the dustbin 75 cans of “Nearly Beer” and the Sugar
3.In a cup dissolve a teaspoon of sugar I warm water and add the yeast. Leave for 20 minutes for the yeast to activate. Then add to the dustbin.
4. Add the teabags (an unusual touch I know, but the yeast likes the tannin in the tea)
5. Leave for 10 days until the mixture starts to clear
6. Put a teaspoon of sugar in each of the empty water bottles.
7. Siphon the beer into the water bottles and agitate to dissolve the sugar.
8. After another 7 days the beer should be clear.
9. At this stage the beer in the bottles is about 9 - 12% ABV.
10. Pour a litre bottle of beer into a beer dispenser and add 3 cans of Nearly Beer to introduce some fizz dilute the Alcohol
11. You now have a light, cheeky, summer ale at about 4 – 6 % ABV…unless you decide to add some Sidiqui…then its “Goodnight Gracie!!”

Happy brewing!! if you dare!

Myths About KSA No.3 - Saudi Arabia is a "Dry" Country

No Saudis drink alcohol.

This of course means that I haven't seen any guys out in the desert blind drunk or any guys acting like crazy people hanging out of cars at the weekend.

Nor do Saudi pile over to Bahrain at the weekends to get smashed and laid…. Oh no.
This is because it doesn't happen.

I was interested to note recently that the second biggest importer of Johnnie Walker Black Label whiskey in the world is…. you’ve guessed it… Saudi Arabia.

That’s quite a feat in a “Dry” country don’t you think! In the major hotels in Saudi Araba Johnnie Walker is freely available if you ask the concierge. Of course it’s going to cost you about £120 a bottle but you can have as much as you like.

The hotels have a system for covering their tracks and destroying the evidence. Every night empty bottles are collected from guest’s rooms. In the early hours the next day, teams of workers steam the label off which are then burnt. The bottles are then smashed so that they cannot be recognised at Whisky bottles before being driven to a recycling centre.

I can see the News of the World front page headline now - "World Exclusive: Saudis are Normal People!"

Of course on the Western housing Compounds, all forms of alcohol are available, but again are expensive because they have to be smuggled in. Much more freely and cheaply available is home brew made on the compounds. This includes Beer, cider, mead and wine. Now I’m not saying it tastes fantastic, given the choice I would much, much prefer a pint of Greene King Abbott Ale. But the home brew is very acceptable and cheap. If you don’t brew your own somebody will sell you a pint for 50p.

More serious is the Sidiqui. This is a spirit distilled on the compounds. I kid you not, some people have stills in their houses.

ARAMCO is the big oil company out here and they have their own housing compounds for their Western employees. ARAMCO provide each new arrival with a still in their houses…call it part of the furniture!!!

The problem with Sidiqui is that you have you be careful as badly distilled Sidiqui can cause blindness. When I first in Saudi Arabia I thought everyone was a Herroin addict as they all had a teaspoon and lighter. I soon discovered that this was for testing the Sidiqui. Before drinking any, you first pour a small amount into the teaspoon, heat it and light it. If the flame burns blue it contains alcohol and is safe to drink. However if the flame burns yellow, it contains methanol which causes blindness and therefore should not be consumed.

So Saudi Arabia is definitely not “Dry” in fact as I see it, the danger for many westerners out here is returning home an alcoholic!

Saudi Driving Masterclass No. 5

I have discovered a fantastic new game and it’s the best form of entertainment available in Riyadh (possibly).

In KSA there are never any traffic lights on the far side of junctions. So if you pull too far forwards at the traffic lights you cannot see when they turn green.

There are two types of dicks that do this: One is so afraid to be beaten at the lights that he keeps crawling forward until he can no longer see the traffic lights. The other drives down the right turn-only slip road and at the last minute swerves across to stop in front of the rest of us who are politely queuing.

They both annoy me. As I’ve mentioned before, one thing I do enjoy about driving here is the massive Saudi propensity for beeping. As soon as the light is green you’ll hear multiple car-horns, helpfully telling everyone else what they already know – “hey! The light’s green! Go quickly because someone important is behind you!”

So… when I find myself a few rows back at the lights and see one of those dicks waiting beyond the traffic light its great fun to beep the car horn whilst the light is still red, then sit back and watch them as they set off like bats out of hell and then immediately stop when they realise they’ve moved too early.

The first time I tried this I managed to get four cars to go at once. I’ve promised myself I’ll stop should anyone get hurt…...hmm