Lost in Translation.

I feel a bit sheepish about this posting. Afterall, most Bahrainians and Saudis Ive met speak good English.

Certainly their English is considerably better than my understanding of the Arabic language. So It would be churlish of me to try and take the piss out of the locals or suggest they are a bit stupid when they occasionally get things wrong. However, some of the occasional mistakes in translation are very amusing and so are worth mentioning.


Number 1


This sign appears on imigration Island on the Causeway between Saudi and Bahrain. This has got to be the most ironic translation error Ive seen so far.


Number 2


This label from a box of local eggs also makes me smile, afterall who would want a carniverous egg? wouldnt they try and bite off your fingers as you cracked them open??!!

Myths about KSA No. 1 - Its a horrible place to live

When I told people that I was going to live and work in Saudi Arabia the general reaction was one of shock and amazement.

“Why the hell do you want to move there?”, “You know you will be blown up by Al Qaeda don’t you?” were questions I heard many times. In fact one of the few people I can remember being positive about it was a lady who remarked “you’ll love Saudi Arabia, Dubai is a great city.” Hmmm…. Well, it’s the thought that counts I suppose.

I came here with an open mind and over the last month the country has really grown on me. Don’t get me wrong, there are things here I really dislike (just as there are things in the UK I really dislike) but Saudi does have its own appeal.

If you’re English and are pondering a possible move to Saudi Arabia, consider a few English things that Saudi lacks:

1. A high crime rate - I’ll discuss this in a future posting.

2. High teenage pregnancy rate - and all the associated social problems.

3. Drunken brawls - I do miss having a bottle of wine with my meal at a restaurant but I don’t miss all the people who cannot handle their alcohol. Why do so many Brits love to fight when they’re drunk? That said, you can see plenty of drunk Saudis on a Thursday night in Manama city, Bahrain. Just head for Diggers bar!

4. Sober brawls – Hell, why do so many Brits just love to fight, full stop??

5. The Jeremy Kyle show – nuff said! I'd rather watch one of those Muttawa (Religious Police) looking TV shows they show here in KSA, where an angry Saudi guy sits in a chair and talks loudly at you. I don’t know what he’s saying but at least he’s not patronising some poor “happy shopper” from a council estate about the parentage of her baby.

6. Political correctness - Jeremy Clarkson has been criticised in the UK for calling a car a bit "Ginger beer" (that’s rhyming slang for “queer” by the way.) I agree we should sometimes be sensitive, but can’t we laugh at ourselves a bit too? I thought us Brits were supposed to have a sense of humour and irony?

7. The “Nanny state” – In the KSA you are not immersed in a society where everything is someone’s fault. for example In the UK if you fell over in the street and broke your leg, an ambulance would rush to the scene, treat you for free and then you would sue the council for not maintaining the pavement properly despite the fact you were blind drunk and arsing around at the time. Here in the KSA, you have to make your own way to hospital, pay for your treatment and get laughed at like you are an idiot (and probably slapped about a bit too..) if you try and hold the public authorities to blame. As a consequence, people here take responsibility for their own lives and their decisions and consequently society is the better for it. Its very refreshing not to be wrapped in cotton wool all the time.

8. Road rage - I cannot believe that I haven't seen any road rage yet, especially in view of how badly they drive here. If you took ten typical Saudi drivers and put them on the M25 around London during rush hour you’d be visiting most of them in hospital that same evening. Here in the KSA its actually considered a sign of weekness to get wound up and angry.

9. High petrol prices – I saw yesterday that petrol is now more than £1.20 a litre in the UK. (85p of which goes straight to Gordon Brown by the way) This means that the average family car which takes 50 litres will now cost you £60.00 to fill up. I’m not sure how to break this to you, but here 50 litres will cost you only £2.50…. and that includes the tip for the attendant. Sorry, you can swear at me later!

So if you are considering coming out here be warned that it’s not like home and you will find many things that you dislike and make you angry, but rest assured that there is also plenty here to appreciate.

Sauidi Driving Masterclass No. 1

How quickly my driving habits have changed since I started driving in Saudi Arabia only 3 weeks ago.

Al Khobar is a sprawling city full of nondescript buildings which look the same, punctuated by the occasional modern and incredibly grandiose shopping mall. There are a few modern skyscrapers which can be seen from almost anywhere and serve as useful waypoints when travelling around Al Khobar. This is very useful when you get lost, which is all the time because the Saudis don’t seem to be bothered about naming roads or streets, let alone put up a street/road name sign.

As I’ve mentioned before, they drive like absolute lunatics here. I can’t really emphasise this enough. Don’t think you wouldn’t be horrified by it because you would.

Drivers simply create their own lanes and are quite happy turning left from the far right lane and vice versa.

My personal favourite though is their liberal use of the car horn. You'll be sat in a huge traffic jam about 40 cars back from the lights but as soon as the light goes green someone next to you will beep their horn. I find it hugely entertaining and delight in joining in (well, “when in Rome……”)

On average I see at least 1 or 2 accident today. Just yesterday on the way back to the Bahrain I witnessed a local veer wildly at 120 km/h from the far left hand lane (on a 4 lane highway) to the far right-hand lanes in a forlorn attempt to take a highway exit.

He was driving a “Yank Tank” and the suspension just couldn’t take it. Needless to say the car left the highway altogether in a cloud of dust before it collided with an advertising board demolishing it in the process. As I passed the scene of carnage, I witnessed the driver get out of his car and start to angrily kick at what was left of the demolished advertising board… which seemed a little churlish as it seemed to me to be entirely the innocent yet injured party!

This is a failry typical, everyday occurance. More frightening is when you see a 4x4 tumbling end over end towards you as it crosses the central reservation. (now that’s a brown underwear day!!)

So after 3 weeks how has my driving changed?

1) If im 15 rows back at he traffic lights and they go green, I immediately start beeping my horn impatiently.

2) I assume the minimum speed limit everywhere is 100 km/h (120km/h if you are a local!)

3) At traffic lights, 6 inches is the maximum gap allowed between my car and the one in front

4) If I suddenly realise I need to turn left, I turn left from the far outer right hand lane whilst beeping my horn and flashing my hazard warning lights (“Outta my way fools, I’m important!!! Flashing hazard warning lights guys??”) .

5) The slow lane is the middle lane.

6) The overtaking lane is the left hand lane .

7) The alternative overtaking lane is the right hand (supposedly slow) lane.

8) The “I’m in a hurry today!” overtaking lane is the hard shoulder.

Hmmm….. I wonder if this will be reflected in my driving when I get back to the UK??

Crossing The Causway

Living in Bahrain is great. Its reasonably relaxed in that you can purchase alcohol and pork products, so when I fancy sausage and cider casserole, its not a problem.

The locals drive reasonably well and only about 50% wear traditional dress. Most of the locals appear to be very westernised. The problem I have is that I work in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA), otherwise know by the ex-pats as "the Magic Kingdom" for reasons Ill explain in a later post.

There is only one route into KSA by Road, which is across the King Fahd Causeway which was constructed by the Saudis to link the mainland with Bahrain. The causeway is 30km long and at its middle point is imigration island. Its at this point that you go through the imigration and customs of both countries.

Unfortunatley this can take some time, especially when crossing into Bahrain from KSA. The process involves stopping the car 6 times to have your passport and vehicle inspected which can take between 15 - 50 mins. This is mostly because each countries imigration authorites search every car carefully for contaband.

On thursday afternoons (which is the begining of the Saudi weekend) it can take up to 2 hours to get through imigration.

However, these waiting times pale into insignificance when you consider the poor lorry drivers. Commercial vehicles have to go through a special seperate imigration lane so that every vehicle can be thoroughly inspected and searched. the lorries regularly queue back 15km and it takes up to 3 days to get through customs. Poor sods! The drivers are all immigrants and unlike me, have no air conditioning in their cabs. They also lack cabs with sleeping quarters or any toilet facilities.

The causeway seems to be most frequented by Saudi's who travel into Bahrain at the weekend and flood into Manama city.

You might well ask why so many Saudi's would want to go to Bahrain. All I can say is that the only things available in Bahrain which you cant get in KSA is alcohol and sexual freedom....Ill leave you to draw your own conclusions! Cheers!

Arrival in Style!!!

After much anticipation I touched down at Bahrain airport early on Friday morning. Having been warned about the customs I was expecting problems! I had been warned that it would take up to 2 hours to get through customs as they go through all baggage. Well thats Bollocks!! I must have had luck on my side because my case was the first on the carosel and and I was waved through customs in less than 30 seconds....literally!!! I now wish I hadn't deleted all that pornography from my laptops HDD now!!!!

Things went a bit pear shaped aftter I landed. My new boss picked me up from the airport and whilst driving back to his house, he ran out of petrol......in the middle lane of the motorway!! "hmmm...." I thought, "This is some slick organisation I've joined!" We ended pushing his vehicle, which of course is a huge American 4x4 to the side of the motorway whilst the local tried to take us out at high speed!!! We only had to wait an hour for rescue, but seeing as the tempreture was 40'c, it wasnt the best introduction to my new employers.

I really like Bahrain. It's more laid back than Saudi........and I can drink a beer here too!. My first impressions of Saudi Arabia are also surprisingly good which I know may come as a surprise to some people.

OK, so to get to my office in Al Khobar I have to stop at 3 checkpoints where Saudi soldier inspects the car and all the contents for bombs whilst another soldier keeps his rifle trained on me .....just in case I decided to launch a full scale attack you understand!. I also have to pass 3 machine gun emplacements down the main entrance road to the office compund which is known as Machine Gun Alley (Nice!). It's not the presence of the machine guns that worrys me so much, afterall, they are there to protect us. What makes me uncomfortable is that the machine guns are manned by beady eyed soldiers who keep my moving car in target as I proceed up the road. Its almost as if he's trying to decide whether or not I pose a threat, armed as I am with a breifcase. (Im just hoping the machine gunners dont get too bored and decide to liven things up by taking a pot shot!!). I do wonder what would happen if terrorist did attack the compound. You have to wonder whether the Saudi Soldiers would fire at their own people to protect a bunch of foriegners.

And if Im honest, its only fair to say that some of the Saudi's drive like Michael Schummacher on LSD, but then thats why the Company has given me a big 4x4 to use in Saudi..... so the other cars just bounce off!

However, overall the Saudi's have all been incredibly freindly and good natured so far and the perception spouted in the British media that they are all religous Al Quada fanatics is just plain nonsense. Just yesterday, I was having a nice chat to a Saudi that I met whilst queing for some fish and chips in a Mall in Al Khobar. (Would you believe it? Proper, and I mean proper, fish & chips in Saudi!)

My flat in Manama City on the Island of Bahrain is great. Its only a 1 bedroom flat, but its fully serviced and next door to my flat on the 10th floor is a pool and great gym. check out the photos on the sidebar.

Im missing all my freinds and family an awful lot, but I cant help but feel that im at the start of a great adventure!!!!