Farewell……. & A Final Question For Suicide Bombers

As many of you will already know, my time to leave the Middle East has arrived and so it is with mixed feelings that I write this, my last Blog posting.

In many ways, I am looking forward to returning to the UK, however there are many things that I will miss about the Middle East.

I am delighted that many of my preconceptions about the Middle East have been shattered by my experiences here and I feel that in my short time here that I have come to understand this region and its people better.

Don't get me wrong, there are still many things I really hate about this country as I've mentioned in this Blog in the Past. But as for the future for Saudi Arabia, I am generally very optimistic. There is no doubt that Saudi Arabia is at the start of a period of great change. Influences of the West and other cultures are everywhere to see from the fast food outlets, television and music to the cars they drive and the clothes they wear.

For the first time normal everyday Arab’s are experiencing different cultures and they seem to like it. Yes, the old religious intolerances still exist and will be around for many years to come, but society here, guided by the King is slowly changing. Many ex-pats who have been here for the last 15 years cannot believe how much the country has been allowed to change in the last few years.

That said, I am ever aware that much power in this country still lies with the Clerics and the Hardliners. Things can change in this part of the world very quickly and I am fearful that Iran will be the fly in the ointment. Everyone in the Middle East, especially the Arabs, are shit scared what Iran will do.

It is entirely possible that the road of change could quickly regress into one of greater introspection and isolation, although personally I think that the country has already experienced to much change for the better to turn 180’.

I am encouraged by comments made by made Jordanians, Egyptians and Palestinians who have lived here for many years. All say that the country is changing for the better and all expect that within the next 5-10 years that cinemas will open, women will be allowed to drive and that other religions will be tolerated. This can only be good news for the stability of the region. I am even more encouraged by talking to ordinary Saudi citizens who all want change and realise that this is possible without compromising their religious beliefs or their culture.

Certainly, Im more optimistic about Saudi Arabia than I am of the future of the UK. I think people in the West are only just realising that our time of dominance is over and has been for some time. Economically and culturally, power and influence has transferred over to the countries such as India, China and the Middle East and we in the West will have to learn to accept this.

I think us Brits will have a better chance than the Americans, afterall is there anything more English than...

• Sitting on Swedish furniture.
  Eating Indian food.
  Drinking Belgian beer and French wine.
  Watching American programs on a Japanese TV.
  Driving a German car.
  Deep distrust of foreigners.

And so I bid farewell to the Middle East. I hope you have enjoyed reading this Blog as much as I have writing it.

So…my final parting question is for all the Al Qaeda suicide bombers (remember that 12 of the 15 terrorists that committed 9/11 were Saudi Arabian!!!)

Where exactly do all these virgins come from?

If they were virgins down here I doubt their reward would be an afterlife spent in your harem and if they weren't virgins down here then they aren't really virgins, are they?If you really want to be an extremist, why not be one of these?

Cucumbers & Chicken Wings

If you read my posting a couple of days ago, you will know what I mean when I say I’ve been a bit of a “Terry” thiw week around the supermarket.

I use a variety of supermarkets in Bahrain such as Aljazira (no honestly it’s really called that!), Luna and Geant. However, when I want imported British foodstuffs (i.e. Proper tea, Bovril, marmalade etc..) I go to a small supermarket call Allosra.

Allosra is an unusual supermarket when it comes to prices. Some items there are bargains (good Terry) whilst some are outrageous (bad Terry).

For instance, BD 3.500 (£5) for one cucumber?! Is it made out of emeralds? Can you smoke it? Hs it been blessed by the Pope? What's the deal here?

I saw some Saudis buying them and I wondered whether I was surrounded by Princes and Princesses doing their supermarket shopping in Bahrain. Who else would pay that much for one cucumber?!

Later the same day I went into Aljazira where you could buy 8 frozen chicken wings for BD 0.280 (40p). That's 5p per wing.

So for the price of 1 Allosra cucumber you could have 100 Aljazira chicken wings.

Frankly, that sort of price is an affront to the chicken. Imagine dying and having your arms sold for only 10p. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I don’t think that the Arab’s have really got the hang of advertising here either. The biggest supplier of chicken is a company called Sadia who have advertising billboards all over the place.
To sell their fine poultry product they use a picture of a smiling, slurping, salivating cartoon chicken serving up a plate of cooked drumsticks. This is obviously a cannibal chicken who likes to roast and eat its own offspring!! Now that’s really adding insult to injury!

P.S. I did try and take a photo of one of the Sadia’s advertising billboards, but as I was about to take the picture, the police decided to come and have a chat with me…they are every bit as suspicious of foreigners with cameras as the Greek Airforce!! I ended up having to go down to the station to have all my documentation checked!!!

UPDATE : All Saudis Drive New Car's

In a posting in August, I commented on the fact that there are very few prestige cars on the streets of Saudi Arabia. Even the rich Arabs drive around in American SUV's which have a tendancy to break down or roll over every 5,000km.

I had wrongly assumed this was because they didn't want to get their nice cars scratched or dented in view of the appaling standard of driving out here.

However, I have been informed that up until the mid 1990's, the roads were indeed awash with Rollers and Bentlys........ so where have they all gone?

Well apparantly the mid 1990's was a period of troubled tension in the Kingdom. The hardliners were very unhappy at the countries involvement in the first Gulf war on the side of the American's when the Saudi's allowed American soldiers and planes to operate from Saudi Arabia.

I think they were also pissed off at the Americans suggestions that their Patriot Missiles had succesfully defended Riyadh from Saddam's Scud missiles. This is of course, utter bollocks.

I am reliably informed by ex-pats who were living in Riyadh at the time that at least 2 Scud missiles a day landed a day on the city killing several thousands of civilians. The Patriot missiles failed to intercept a single Scud!!! Even worse, one Patriot missile having managed to entirely miss a Scud , proceeded to exploded when it flew into a Mosque killing over 80 people.

In addition, I think a lot of Saudi businessmen had made a lot of money trading with the American Army during the conflict, as a result of which, even more Rolls Royce cars appeared on the streets.

The Hardliners and Imans forced the king to declare that the rich Saudis should not flout their wealth and apparantly overnight all the Rollers, Merc's and Bentleys dissapeared....

I cant imagine that having been used to driving in luxury that the rich Saudi's are now happy at having to drive around in their Hummers and Yukons.

Eid Mubarak!!

Eid Mubarak! or Blessed happy festival in Ehglish
At last, Ramadam is over. The Muslim Clerics have looked through their telescopes at the moon and have decided that as of today, the period of fasting is over….. Thank Allah!!

At last I can have a stiff drink in Bahrain or go out to a restaurant to eat. I can look forward to my Muslim work colleagues arriving for work on time, bright eyed and bushy tailed, instead of looking like the cast from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video.

At work, instead of expiring from dehydration in the desert, I can have a drink of water to keep me alive!!! Plus I dont have to sneak into the toilets for a crafty sandwich break!

For those that are that way inclined, the dodgy “massage parlours” can once again ply their sordid trade. Bahrain airport is full of Chinese and Thai “hair dressers” returning from a well deserved month’s holiday. I guess the causeway from Saudi Arabia will be getting a lot busier as a result!!!!!

What really has surprised me is that all my Muslim work colleagues have managed to pile on several pounds in weight…..at a time of fasting!!!!!

It turns out that they eat so much at the Ifter Parties (Parties that take place once the sun goes down during Ramadam) that they attend every night, that many are now on strict diets. Indeed now Ramadam is over, today’s local paper is full of adverts for diet programmes and keep fit classes.

We now enter the Eid al-Fitr festival. Basically everyone gets a week off work to recover from Ramadam, and people go to even more parties. All my muslim colleagues and freinds are sending each other Eid Mubarak card.

Im not entirely sure that the Muslim world aprreciattes the US postal office's attempt to celebrate Eid

Anyway, to celebrate Eid, I’m just off the Irish bar for 4 pint’s of the black stuff and to have my…er…hair cut by a pert Chinese lady I know ….ahem.

Only Joking…honest!

Teresa Tight-arse

Sales hit the clothing stores this week. Unlike the UK and other western countries, the sales here in Saudi Arabia are still real sales with real bargains to be had. When the signs say 50% off they mean it, not 50% off the inflated price they used for a week before the sale.

I recently learned from an Australian over here what it is to be "Terry".

This is a euphemism for "Terry Tight-arse". A "Tight-arse" is of course someone you need to sedate before you can part them from their hard earned cash......someone like my dad...or my boss.

As I'm careful with my money and I shop around to make sure I am getting the best deal, as far as I am concerned being a "Terry Tight-arse" (as a man) or "Teresa Tight-arse" (as a lady) is something to aspire to, not something to be ashamed of.

The shopping system in Saudi Arabia is unique. If you are so inclined you could wear your new clothes for a week with the label concealed and still take them back for a refund (I haven't done this yet, honest). This system provides exceptional opportunities to be a “Terry.”

I'd therefore like to extend my congratulations to the “Teresa” I saw in Debenhams at Dhahran Mall last night.

She had bought a lot of clothes from the store without knowing the sale was starting the next day. I was standing behind her in the queue as she returned the clothes and got her refund....

......and then immediately grabbed the clothes back from the cashier and bought them back at the sale price.

Perhaps there are times when it’s nice to be hidden behind a full abaya?

Queen Teresa, I salute you!

Insha’allah

"It will be ready for you tomorrow, Insha’allah." How many times have I heard this phrase since I arrived in Saudi Arabia??!!

Insha’allah. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that this means “God Willing”. It actually means “If I Can Be Arsed”.

Think about it. Why would God be willing to do anything for an infidel atheist like me? If it was really “God Willing” then nothing would ever get done for me in Saudi. Hmm… on second thoughts….